#0 - July 16, 2009, 2:42 a.m.
Welcome, fellow practitioners of the Demonic Arts!
Many of you may recall the original, pre-Wrath "Guide to Life as an EVIL WARLOCK" that was posted here back in May 2008: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.html?topicId=6408001096&sid=1 . Sadly, that thread is now locked, but here now is a NEW AND IMPROVED updated edition, the EVIL WARLOCK'S Guide: WotLK Edition!
I. THE WARLOCK CREDO:
For all new warlocks just joining our dark brother- and sisterhood, as well as for the veteran "I Survived The Great Nerfhammer of ______ (enter last patch date here)" T-shirt owners, REMEMBER ALWAYS THE WARLOCK CREDO:
If It Ain't EVIL... It Ain't Worth Doing.
Sounds simple, yes? But this simple phrase underscores the entire warlock philosophy. Learn it well, for it serves as the fundamental principle that will guide you along your interactions with raid bosses, PvP opponents, and the most challenging enemies you will ever face: Other Players Of Inferior Non-Warlock Classes Who Expect You To Do Things For Them. This Guide will advise you on how to deal with all of them.
II. IMPORTANT MACROS: Honestly, these should just be stickied somewhere. Here they are again, the only macros you will ever need:
Macro #1:
/yell MUAHAHAHAHA
Macro #2:
/r NO, you CANNOT have a summon.
Macro #3: (Updated!!)
/cast QQ Extraction
/cast Create Delicious QQ Beverage
/drink [Delicious QQ Beverage]
NOTE: "QQ Extraction" is sometimes spelled "Conflagrate" in your spellbook.
*NEW Macro! For those of you playing on RP or RP-PVP servers, here is a little macro from this EVIL Warlock especially for you:
Macro #4: (New!!)
/e retrieves a delicate crystal flask from a pocket and takes a drink, eyes closing in delight at the sweet taste of the [Delicious QQ Beverage]. "Ahh! Sweet nectar of the Gods!"
/LOL
NOTE: It's a well known fact that everyone hates seeing RP server players show up in their battlegrounds and random heroics groups. Use their foolish underestimation of you to its fullest! This is your perfect opportunity to pwn them on the damage meters, and THEN cleverly RP emote about it to really rub salt in the wound. No experience is quite as sweet as seeing the QQ in battleground chat, "OMFG I AM BEING PWNED BY A ****ING RPER!!1!!!1!!" Note the "/LOL" there at the end of the macro. It's super effective.
III. THE "DELICIOUS QQ BEVERAGE" BUFF: It is absolutely imperative that you, as an EVIL warlock, keep the buff provided by chugging [Delicious QQ Beverage]s on you at all times. As veteran warlocks know, DQQBs are made by collecting the raw QQ energy emitted by the players of The Inferior Classes (specifically: all of them except Warlocks) when they complain about how powerful / naturally skilled / rich / debonair / good looking IRL warlocks are. You will know when you have harvested enough QQ by examining the fill meter on your QQ Extraction bar. When the line on the meter passes "Smug Satisfaction" and hits "Maniacal Cackling", you have enough to make a batch.
The DQQB buff provides +75 Influence Over Raid Loot Decisions and/or +75 Trash Talking, depending on whether you are in a PvE or PvP situation, respectively. Don't leave Dalaran without it!
Once you have built up an adequate supply of [Delicious QQ Beverage]s, go forth into endgame content and make it your own! The remainder of this guide will give you some pointers about dealing with the challenges you will face. All of the advice herein is designed to ensure you have a steady supply of [Delicious QQ Beverage] as you go.
IV. DEALING WITH PvP OPPONENTS: This is actually the easiest way to generate QQ from other players, because success here means flowing rivers of QQ from everyone you kill. The chief complaint among many warlocks is "lack of survivability" in PvP situations. This is untrue. It's not really a matter of warlocks having a lack of survivability-- it's merely the unfortunate result of The Players Of Inferior Non-Warlock Classes FINALLY figuring out the following truism:
A Living Warlock = A Dead Everybody Else.
YOU are the most dangerous thing in the arena, the battleground, and the faction leader's throne room against (or in support of) a world PvP raid. Your fears take players out of commission and burn up trinket CDs. Your DoTs and curses require a whole army of cleansers and decursers to focus all their attention on undoing what you, the one little warlock, can do. Your gear looks 1000 times more badass than theirs, so you're doing your thing in STYLE. On top of that, your Chaos Bolt + Conflagrate generates gallons and gallons of [Delicious QQ Beverage] for you.
The best way to deal with these fools is a nice doubleshot of CB+Conflag to the face. But when that is on cooldown, you'll need a Plan B to wait out the CD timer. Your best bet? DISTRACTION! Every one of the Inferior Classes has a weakness. Here is a breakdown of each class' weakness and how to exploit it:
WARRIORS. Weakness: Fondness for small animals
Warriors rely on a rage bar to do pretty much anything, so this one is pretty obvious. Go to one of those sites that your mother is always sending you links to-- you know the ones I'm talking about. The ones with all the adorable photos that put you into insulin shock after the sugary sweetness of so much condensed cuteness wears off. Print out a color photo of the most adorable baby bunny or kitten on the site, and shove it right in their faces. Goodbye, rage bar! "Awwwwwwwww... it's... so... cuuuuuu--" *CONFLAG*.
HUNTERS. Weakness: Dumb
As it happens, the hunter's pet is 1000 times more intelligent than the hunter. Fortunately for you, they are still pets. Buy yourself a box of pet treats, throw one in the opposite direction, and run. The pet will take off after the treat. The hunter is a non-issue, because each and every one of them is alt-tabbed on the Damage Dealing forum posting complaints about how their class isn't viable for PvP or raiding.
SHAMAN. Weakness: More emotional than a character from a Brontë novel
Stomp their totems and they burst into tears. A nice touch to generate even more QQ: send your pet to kill the Tremor Totem, then fear them, then unequip your weapon and PUNCH the rest of the totems while they look on helplessly.
DRUIDS. Weakness: Fondness for large men dressed like small animals
/yell "Who wants a free ticket to the Furry convention?" When they come running to collect, *CONFLAG* right to the face.
TREE DRUIDS. Weakness: Your Banish spell
(1) They never, ever, ever, EVER see it coming.
(2) It's hilarious.
MAGES. Weakness: Jealousy
Use a healthstone, and then pour a mana potion out into the dirt at their feet. Say "Hey look, my mana bar is still full!" Watch them spontaneously combust in rage.
PALADINS. Weakness: Goody-two shoes
"Oh no, that old woman needs help crossing the street!" Never fails. Also, note that a sizable percentage of them will spend all their time chasing around your pet because they really, really, REALLY need to press that Turn Evil button just in case someone asks what exactly they do that couldn't be done better by a Warrior or DK.
PRIESTS. Weakness: Holy Nova fixation
Every single priest in WoW would, if given the chance, do nothing but spam Holy Nova. They see what you do with Seed of Corruption... and the envy is killing, yes, KILLING THEM. For these guys, you will need to casually but convincingly tell them that you found a thread on Elitist Jerks about a viable Holy Nova spec for PvP. When they alt-tab to check it out, *CONFLAG*! (Note: it doesnt matter if they've fallen for this trick before. They will ALWAYS look to see if someone finally made their dreams come true.)
ROGUES. Weakness: . . .
Try... diplomacy? Hey, there's always a first time.
DEATH KNIGHTS. Weakness: Boy bands
It's a well-known fact that this class is populated almost entirely by teenagers (actual age or mental age) who saw the words "plate wearing + free mounts + generates power + DoTs AND melee attacks + overpowered pets = EZMODE" and said "Yes, Please." To deal with them, just /yell "OMG IT'S THE JONAS BROTHERS!" and watch them squeal like little girls.
(...Continued in next post! READ ONWARD!)
