#0 - Feb. 7, 2007, 7:17 a.m.
Yes, we share 95% of our DNA with Chimpanzees, but honestly, only Bush seems to be any closely related!
And we share 99.9% of our DNA with Pirates! And Pirates are His chosen people!
What are we for?
All that is good.
What are we against?
All that isn't good.
Of course, its not that simple. But our heaven is much cooler than yours. Do YOUR heaven have Beer Volcanoes and Stripper Factories?
You may like the Idea of Intelligent Design, but this religion can actually be proven! Mathematically, Logically, and Theologically. And its by far the tastier choice.
Unlike God, the dirty, Christian liar, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was honest with His subjects and admitted to taking 3 days of rest after popping out the universe in just 4 days. As such, His Noodlyness deemed that Friday, Saturday AND Sunday be days of rest, with special emphasis on Friday, in which one should drink much wine and engage in delights of the flesh. Pay special attention to pasta that is easy to prepare and will maximize relaxation.
Oh, and try us for 30 days! If you don't like us, your god will most likely take you back.
http://www.venganza.org/
So I left the Light for this tasty religion, and got myself some new spells. But example Holy Bologna. Flash of Ketchup, and Lay on Spices. My Talent Trees were changed into Nutrition, Al Dente and Taste.
The Top Talents of Taste is Fork Strike. An instant attack that also incapacitates the enemy to make them sit down to eat Spaghetti for 5 seconds. Does not break on damage.
The Top Talent of Al Dente is the Flying Spaghetti Plate. This attack deals 500 Holy Damage to the Target and Mind Controls them for 6 seconds, and jumping to an additional two targets.
The Top Talent of Nutrition was a self-buff that makes you regenerate 50% of your health and mana over 5 seconds. 10 minute Cooldown.
Also I got some new buffs! Blessing of Toothpickers (+Attack Power), Blessing of Gourmets (+Intellect) and Blessing of Food Frenzy ( +Health Regen). Being the only Pastafarian Paladin in the guild, I am always assured a spot in the raids, since my Blessings stack with the other Paladins' Buffs.
EDIT: The Pirate Mosey got ten I Really Rather You Didnt's from the FSM. Regrettably he tripped and shattered two of them. Too bad. So now its just eight.
The Eight I really rather you Didn'ts:
1. I Really Rather You Didn't Act Like A Sanctimonious, Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay, I'm Really Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.
2. Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Opress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't require Sacrifices And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
3. I Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey-Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking about Fashion And I'm Sorry, I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal And Fuchsia.
4. I Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Parter Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. AS For Anyone WHo Might Object, I think The Expression Is "Go F*** Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off The TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
5. I Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B******.
6. I Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take your Pick);
a) Ending Poverty.
b) Curing Diseases.
c) Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost of Cable.
I Might Be A Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know, I AM The Creator.
7. I Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
8. I Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot Of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If The Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant to #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear A CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece Of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good I Would've Added Spikes Or Something.
RAmen.
